Waiting On The Lord

Can i tell you that this has been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. I have been to a gazillion bible studies and you always get to those passages like in Peter or James that talk about trials and how it is good faith building, and we will grow in Christ. Well, honestly it really sucks. Right now I don't want to be tried, I don't' want to be uncomfortable, I don't want to be tested. I want everything to go back the way it was. Ahhhh, me and my selfish pride. Lately I have been telling God to just please rewind my life like 2 years back. I would even take 9 months back. Everything was comfy, cozy. Nothing crazy going on, just the day to day things. I like it that way. I thought taking care of 4 kids with a husband always gone was the toughest thing I had to deal with in my life. It's funny how things get put in perspective. Now, me and my family are always on our toes. "how is mom going to be today" " how much weight has she lost or gained." I have never had sleeping problems and now I dread closing my eyes. This past week has been the hardest as well. There have been so many words that have been spoken, so many words from the doctors and others that pierce my heart and I am sure my whole family. I have never felt more afraid for my mom's life until now.

But here is the beauty of my Lord God. He tells me to not worry about the things of tomorrow, for today has enough worries for themselves. Today my mom is ALIVE. Today she looks at her 7 grand babies and kisses each one of them. Today Nate lays his head on her lap and gives his gig kisses and hugs. Today I got to rub my moms back while she lay in bed. Today we laugh.

I will wait on my Lord. I cannot rely on what the doctors say anymore about my mom. I love Dr. Miller and I think he is a genius, but he doesn't' know what is going on with mom. He doesn't know why she has so much fluid buildup, or how to get it off. If I have been studying for so many years on how to trust in God, how can we do it if we don't' have practice. Would I want a different test? Yes. But I put all my trust in God that He knows what He is doing. I am trying to be as obedient as possible. It is very difficult. This past week I have felt abandoned, lost, and forsaken. But I know they are lies. My God is with us the whole entire way. I have told a couple of people that I am reaching out my hand and I just need to feel His grip. He is not just holding my hand but carrying me and my family (esp. mom) the whole entire way. I know I cannot walk on my own.

Pray for mom -- love to all--

shannon